The Qualms With Dating

So, about a month ago I received an IM from someone on OK Cupid (they have their own built in IM system). OK Cupid, for those who are unaware, is a free dating site (though they implemented their own pay system for those who want 'perks'). We were talking on the IM while I was at work and she gave me her number and told me to call her later. Around 8 or 9 PM, I gave her a call and she started talking about me and what I was thinking and who I was as a person and, oddly enough, she was correct in her thinking. I opted to meet her that same evening and drove to pick her up at her relatives' house (she lived with her aunt and uncle at that point).

Let me talk about this girl for a minute. She is 20 and was raped at 19. She was physically and sexually abused when she was younger and her mom died of cancer and her dad killed himself a week after the mom died. Pretty much, anything that could go wrong in your life went wrong in hers.

I picked her up at her home and we went to the b-dubs right down the street and chatted about whatever while I had a few beers. Later that evening, I kissed her on the forehead and thanked her for just actually being able to 'figure me out'. That turned to making out and such. I took her home later and went to work the next day and I was texting her throughout the day and such and everything was fine.

Here's where it starts going wrong:

I think that weekend (can't be sure of the day anymore), we planned to get together and I just kept having weird feelings like she was my enemy and that I was dreading actually hanging out with her. I'm not sure if this is some sign of anxiety issues or what, but I know it's not going to be healthy for me in the future.

So, we go around and look at TVs since I'm interested in getting a flat screen TV soon and we get some ice cream and then she starts crying because she knows that I'm getting distant emotionally etc etc. She is leaving for TN in a few weeks before school starts and was planning to go to school in TX. So, I start crying because I feel bad for letting her down and knowing that this is something that is hard for me to do (not be emotionally distant/dread hanging with people/etc). We go back to my apartment and I pour my heart out to her while we're lying on my bed and I take her home a few hours later.

I'll sum up the next part since it will end up being quite long if I don't:

So, we hang out again the next weekend and it's great. We're talking and laughing and having no ill thoughts or anything. A week later, she goes to TN and plans on coming back in a few weeks. Well, she ends up staying there indefinitely. Of course, I start becoming emotionally distant again, but I talk to her everyday to help with these tendencies. Some nights are good, some nights are bad. The fact is that it was a functional relationship.

Fast forward to last weekend: I am hanging out at the bar with some of my friends and I start having weird feelings like I'm single again. I guess this is normal since I've been single for so long, but it didn't feel right to me. I talk to her on Sunday and suggest that this might not be the thing for me and I'm afraid of doing something I'd regret, which could be seen as trying to find a way out of the realtionship.

August 17: I get a text from her saying that she only wants to be friends now. I can't recall what my reply was, but it was something along the lines of 'Okay, but I feel sad now'. Then she replies 'I'm so scared right now' and the conversation continues on until she says that she loves me and then I tell her I don't love her like she loves me because I can't commit to something like that when I'm unsure about it. So, we basically broke up over text messaging and I would have preferred to do it over the phone, but I was at work and it fucking happened, so whatever.

August 18, around 11:30 PM, she calls me. We talk about making amends and ending the relationship amicably. We talk about the relationship and how it was a functional one etc, etc and then she says 'Do you have anything to say?'

My response: No

Her: Not even 'I'm sorry for this."?

Me: No

I didn't know what I could say to make things better since they weren't going to be better.

Her response: I can't believe this. I don't love you anymore and you are a mean spirited person

*call ends*

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really into the relationship as much as she was in the first place. I was of the assumption that we would just date and whatnot and there would be no exclusivity between us. It doesn't really help the fact that we were a long distance apart and it's hard to maintain a long-term relationship like the one we had. I want to say she's just being naive because of how old she is, but I think it's naivety from both of us. She's only the second person I've had a relationship with so far. Both have been weird relationships and both have involved me being kinda jittery when meeting people (like canceling at the last minute because I have anxiety).

I really don't know if this is going to change or not or I just didn't find the right people yet.

I guess I'll see

The search continues...