Wow, it's been a while

Been almost two years since I posted to this thing. Where did the time go?

I'm not going to burden anyone with what has happened in the last two years. I can go into more detail about that with you later (and some who will read this already know about the events that took place over the past 20 or so months).

This post is mainly about a friendship that is quickly fading away. Here's the back story:

I've known these two friends for a while. I can't really remember when I first met them, but it was sometime in college (so my guess is 2006 or 2007). Anyway, we were really good buds. We'd go out on the town every weekend (and sometimes during the week) and just drink and have fun or play pool or whatever the fuck else there is to do here. This went on for about 4 years until about 6 or 8 months ago. These dudes suggested we go to this dance club up the street. Now, it's not the best place in the world to go, but it was something different. In fact, I would say that this is the club equivalent of a dive bar. It's the club for the individuals who don't want to drive downtown or for the ones who are under 21. Now, I'm not a club person. In fact, I loathe clubs with a passion and I guess that's because of the atmosphere. The only reason I obliged was because, again, it was something different to do. I had a good time that night, but then my friends insisted on going back there every possible night they were free. Now, that doesn't pose a problem in and of itself. However, I'm not a big fan of this place and I would suggest going to other places. I had suggested going to our other usual hangouts from years past, but I got excuses like 'Oh, that place is too ghetto' or 'Oh, this place is too small'. Man, I've hung out in bars that were no bigger than my apartment in college and I fucking got over it. I went there for the atmosphere (intimate, amirite?) and the comradery of being with people who were in the same boat I was in at the time (trying to survive college, etc) so telling me that a place is 'too small' just signals to me that there's some other underlying issue. He's gone there before and hasn't said anything about it until now, so I think he's hiding something.

Anyway, since one of the friends became pussywhipped with some girl he found at the club I don't like, it's only been me and the other guy. Well, we went to this club downtown one night and on the way back I got kinda hostile with him. I'm not really known for getting hostile with people I care about unless I have a really fucking damn good reason to do it. I basically confronted him about the fact that my ideas were never considered as possible activities to do on a given night and why I was treated like a third wheel sometimes when I valued their friendship. All I got were bullshit excuses (like I stated above about the size of the establishment or whatever).

I don't know. I don't think I have outrageous requirements for friendship, but I would imagine that true friends would be willing to compromise what they want to do to make their other friends happy. Maybe they feel the same way I do, but I've at least swallowed my pride and gone with them to places I don't necessarily like (not every night, but once in a while). I guess this friendship has possibly run its course. I'm not really sure yet as the events in the previous paragraph only happened within the past month or so. I am hoping that my friends come around, but they might not and that's fine. At least I know where they stand on what they think of me..

til next time

Comments on Florida

So, as some of you may know, I am currently on a long needed vacation in St. Augustine Florida. I will chronicle what I have done so far since I've been here

Wednesday evening: Unpacked after a 13 hour drive and started my laptop up (which is awesome btw)

Thursday: Just kinda sat around and fooled on my laptop for a while since my dad had to attend some meeting with the rest of the homeowners

Friday: I woke up and wondered what day it was. It was a nice feeling. Drove into St. Augustine proper and explored the city. There's a ton of neat things there: the oldest parish in the nation, one of the oldest forts in the nation, the oldest wooden school house in the nation, etc. Just loads of history there. I also saw one of the biggest dogs I've ever seen there, a Newfoundlander. The fucking thing is a cross between a Great Dane (in size) and a Saint Bernard (in color scheme and fur). Beautiful dog.

Saturday: My brother in law (Dan) and his friend Jae arrive in the morning. I can't remember what we did that day.

Sunday: Played golf for the first time in a year. I kept score for the first few holes and then got frustrated and stopped until the back nine. I ended up drinking a few beers before the back nine and started par birdie bogie. I ended up with a 45, which is about an average score for me for nine holes. I got sunburn to shit and I am feeling it today.

Today: Went to the World Golf Hall of Fame and St. Augustine again. Had a really good ale at A1A Ale Works down in St. Auggie's; would recommend to anyone traveling in these parts.

Tomorrow: Visiting University of Northern Florida as a possible choice for grad school I think.

I will update tomorrow

The Qualms With Dating

So, about a month ago I received an IM from someone on OK Cupid (they have their own built in IM system). OK Cupid, for those who are unaware, is a free dating site (though they implemented their own pay system for those who want 'perks'). We were talking on the IM while I was at work and she gave me her number and told me to call her later. Around 8 or 9 PM, I gave her a call and she started talking about me and what I was thinking and who I was as a person and, oddly enough, she was correct in her thinking. I opted to meet her that same evening and drove to pick her up at her relatives' house (she lived with her aunt and uncle at that point).

Let me talk about this girl for a minute. She is 20 and was raped at 19. She was physically and sexually abused when she was younger and her mom died of cancer and her dad killed himself a week after the mom died. Pretty much, anything that could go wrong in your life went wrong in hers.

I picked her up at her home and we went to the b-dubs right down the street and chatted about whatever while I had a few beers. Later that evening, I kissed her on the forehead and thanked her for just actually being able to 'figure me out'. That turned to making out and such. I took her home later and went to work the next day and I was texting her throughout the day and such and everything was fine.

Here's where it starts going wrong:

I think that weekend (can't be sure of the day anymore), we planned to get together and I just kept having weird feelings like she was my enemy and that I was dreading actually hanging out with her. I'm not sure if this is some sign of anxiety issues or what, but I know it's not going to be healthy for me in the future.

So, we go around and look at TVs since I'm interested in getting a flat screen TV soon and we get some ice cream and then she starts crying because she knows that I'm getting distant emotionally etc etc. She is leaving for TN in a few weeks before school starts and was planning to go to school in TX. So, I start crying because I feel bad for letting her down and knowing that this is something that is hard for me to do (not be emotionally distant/dread hanging with people/etc). We go back to my apartment and I pour my heart out to her while we're lying on my bed and I take her home a few hours later.

I'll sum up the next part since it will end up being quite long if I don't:

So, we hang out again the next weekend and it's great. We're talking and laughing and having no ill thoughts or anything. A week later, she goes to TN and plans on coming back in a few weeks. Well, she ends up staying there indefinitely. Of course, I start becoming emotionally distant again, but I talk to her everyday to help with these tendencies. Some nights are good, some nights are bad. The fact is that it was a functional relationship.

Fast forward to last weekend: I am hanging out at the bar with some of my friends and I start having weird feelings like I'm single again. I guess this is normal since I've been single for so long, but it didn't feel right to me. I talk to her on Sunday and suggest that this might not be the thing for me and I'm afraid of doing something I'd regret, which could be seen as trying to find a way out of the realtionship.

August 17: I get a text from her saying that she only wants to be friends now. I can't recall what my reply was, but it was something along the lines of 'Okay, but I feel sad now'. Then she replies 'I'm so scared right now' and the conversation continues on until she says that she loves me and then I tell her I don't love her like she loves me because I can't commit to something like that when I'm unsure about it. So, we basically broke up over text messaging and I would have preferred to do it over the phone, but I was at work and it fucking happened, so whatever.

August 18, around 11:30 PM, she calls me. We talk about making amends and ending the relationship amicably. We talk about the relationship and how it was a functional one etc, etc and then she says 'Do you have anything to say?'

My response: No

Her: Not even 'I'm sorry for this."?

Me: No

I didn't know what I could say to make things better since they weren't going to be better.

Her response: I can't believe this. I don't love you anymore and you are a mean spirited person

*call ends*

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really into the relationship as much as she was in the first place. I was of the assumption that we would just date and whatnot and there would be no exclusivity between us. It doesn't really help the fact that we were a long distance apart and it's hard to maintain a long-term relationship like the one we had. I want to say she's just being naive because of how old she is, but I think it's naivety from both of us. She's only the second person I've had a relationship with so far. Both have been weird relationships and both have involved me being kinda jittery when meeting people (like canceling at the last minute because I have anxiety).

I really don't know if this is going to change or not or I just didn't find the right people yet.

I guess I'll see

The search continues...

Holy shit, I haven't updated in a while!

Summary:
I got a new computer
Currently in FLA on vacation
I am no longer seeing a girl I met about a month ago

That is all.

My hard drive died

Yes, my laptop's HDD is as dead as Billy Mays. I don't have the cash to buy a Mac right now (well, I have the cash but I don't want to go into self-loathing mode), so I will stick with something under 1k that will suit my needs (internetz, music, digital foetoes, etc). I will also look for something that would be decent for playing the occasional game of DoD. I was afraid the Dell I have currently wouldn't run games very well, but I'm not sure that's an issue with a new machine. I would love to be able to play DoD again.

Anyway, outside of work I will have sporadic access to the internet until I bite the bullet and shell out of jew tokens on a new computer. I might hit up the library on 1-2 Saturdays per month to get my internet fix (lol libraries? those still exist?).

At least now, this gives me the option of doing other things I would only do sporadically during the week (read, stop being sloppy on the bass, etc) for the time being.

Don't know when I'll update this again. I don't really update it much anyway, but meh

SCOTUS says bankruptcy rules don't matter; tells bondholders to suck it

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D98NEVL80&show_article=1

The Supreme Court has cleared the way for Chrysler's sale to Fiat, turning down a last-ditch bid by opponents of the deal.

The court said late Tuesday it had rejected a plea to block the sale of most of Chrysler's assets to the Italian automaker. Chrysler, Fiat and the Obama administration had warned that the high court's intervention could have scuttled the sale.

A federal appeals court in New York had earlier approved the sale, but gave opponents until Monday afternoon to try to get the Supreme Court to intervene.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg ordered a temporary delay just before a 4 p.m. deadline on Monday.

Now the court has freed the automakers to complete their deal.

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.

NEW YORK (AP)—Chrysler returned to bankruptcy court Tuesday to get a judge to approve the termination of 789 dealer franchises, while its plan to partner with Italy's Fiat hung in limbo as the automaker awaited action by the nation's highest court.

The sale of Chrysler's assets to Fiat Group SpA had been expected to close more than a week ago, but Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's decision to delay the sale now threatens to derail Chrysler's restructuring plans.

In a brief filed with the Supreme Court Tuesday afternoon, Chrysler and Fiat warned that the deal will terminate if it does not close by June 15. While a new agreement could be negotiated, there's no guarantee that one will be reached or that Chrysler will be able to be jump start its operations after the deadline, they said.

In bankruptcy court, more than 25 attorneys representing hundreds of dealers from across the country argued that little would be gained by terminating their franchises, while Chrysler maintained that the move is a necessary part of its plan to cut costs and quickly emerge from Chapter 11.

Arguments ended early Tuesday afternoon and U.S. Judge Arthur Gonzalez said he would issue his ruling later in the day.

Many of the dealers were selling the last cars on their lots and preparing to shut their doors for good at the end of the day, while others planned to sell used cars or other brands after severing ties with Chrysler.

The Auburn Hills, Mich., automaker has been flying through five weeks of bankruptcy proceedings and appeared all but certain to complete the sale of its assets to Fiat before the June 15 deadline. But Ginsburg issued a stay Monday to review an appeal by a trio of Indiana pension and construction funds which own a small part of Chrysler's secured debt.

The delay may be only temporary. Ginsburg could decide on her own whether to end the stay, or she could ask the full court to decide.

Fiat has the right to walk away from Chrysler after June 15 and leave the struggling U.S. automaker with little option but to liquidate. But a Fiat spokesman said Tuesday that the Italian automaker will not turn its back on a deal despite the Supreme Court stay.

Indiana officials, representing the state funds challenging the Chrysler sale, submitted a short statement to the Supreme Court Tuesday that calls attention to Fiat's statement.

"The Indiana Pensioners respectfully submit that the risk of termination by Fiat if the transaction does not close by June 15 no longer provides a basis for driving the timing of these proceedings," the officials said.

Responding to the Indiana funds later Tuesday, Chrysler and Fiat said that the sale agreement will terminate automatically if the sale doesn't close by the deadline, and there's no guarantee that they could negotiate a new deal.

"Given Chrysler's precipitous state, every day past June 15 increases the risk that Chrysler's business will not be able to restart successfully," the company said.

Meanwhile, the Obama administration said in a separate filing that each day of delay consumes more of the financing provided by the government.

"If the closing is delayed by more than approximately 10 days, a sufficient amount of the current commitment of debtor-in-possession financing from the United States will have been consumed as to require the government either to increase its overall funding to the detriment of taxpayers, or abandon its role in the transaction," the administration said.

Production at Chrysler's manufacturing plants remains halted pending the closing of the sale. Chrysler, which says it is losing $100 million every day its plants are closed, said it had no comment until it receives further information from the court.

Chrysler's ability to speed through the bankruptcy process has partially been a result of the involvement of the Obama administration's auto task force, which provided $4.5 billion in financing and helped negotiate a deal between the company's stakeholders.

Under a deal brokered in the days leading up to Chrysler's April 30 Chapter 11 filing, Fiat will receive up to a 35 percent stake in the new company created by the sale, in exchange for sharing the technology Chrysler needs to create smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles.

The United Auto Workers will get a 55 percent stake that will be used to fund its retiree health care obligations, while the U.S. and Canadian governments will receive a combined 10 percent stake.

Meanwhile, the automaker's secured debtholders would get $2 billion in cash, or about 29 cents on the dollar, for their combined $6.9 billion in debt. Some of the debtholders balked at the deal, saying as secured lenders they deserved more.

The Indiana funds filed an objection to the sale and later appealed to the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court. They claim the sale unfairly favors Chrysler's unsecured stakeholders such as the union ahead of secured debtholders like themselves.

The funds also are challenging the constitutionality of the Treasury Department's use of money from the Troubled Asset Relief Program to supply Chrysler's bankruptcy protection financing. They say the government did so without congressional authority.

The funds hold about $42.5 million, or less than 1 percent, of Chrysler's $6.9 billion in secured debt. They bought it in July 2008 for 43 cents on the dollar.

The appeals come as Congress scrutinizes the Obama administration's restructuring of Chrysler and GM. The Senate Banking Committee said it planned to call Ron Bloom, a senior adviser to the auto task force, and Edward Montgomery, who serves as the Obama administration's director of recovery for auto communities and workers, to a hearing Wednesday.

Basically, the Supreme Court told the Indiana bondholders that they didn't matter and that the UAW, which has done nothing but hurt the auto industry over the past 2 decades (AT LEAST) with their constant demands to improve benefits and wages that allow some workers (who do nothing but put a fucking door on a goddamn car frame) to make more than an inner city school teacher who tries to make the world a better place every day and, in some instances, puts their person in harms way EVERY FUCKING DAY (WHAT THE FUCK MOTHERFUCKER?!), to get a 55% stake in Chrysler so they can pay for outstanding health care obligations? These are the same fucking people who refused to give adequate concessions when they were in the thick of the shit because they are greedy and ruthless and refuse to be left out in the cold and wants the MIGHTY MESSIAH OBAMA to save them and their precious health benefits.

What about the Indiana bondholders and all of the people who are participating in the pension plans? They got a measly 29 cents on the dollar for all of the debt they had when, with proper bankruptcy rules, they are FIRST on the list (after creditors like outside merchants of course) to receive payment for their investment. The UAW doesn't care though. They don't care that these people need that money to retire whereas some 25 year old line worker doesn't need shit and has marketable fucking skills he can take to another manufacturing job.

(For those unaware of how the garnishing of funds works in a bankruptcy:

From the Chapter 11 bankruptcy wiki:

As a general rule secured creditors—creditors who have a security interest, or collateral, in the debtor's property—will be paid before unsecured creditors. Unsecured creditors' claims are prioritized by § 507. For instance the claims of suppliers of products or employees of a company may be paid before other unsecured creditors are paid. Each priority level must be paid in full before the next lowest priority level may receive payment.

From the Chapter 7 bankruptcy wiki:

Fully-secured creditors, such as collateralized bondholders or mortgage lenders, have a legally-enforceable right to the collateral securing their loans or to the equivalent value, a right which cannot be defeated by bankruptcy. A creditor is fully secured if the value of the collateral for its loan to the debtor equals or exceeds the amount of the debt. For this reason, however, fully-secured creditors are not entitled to participate in any distribution of liquidated assets that the bankruptcy trustee might make.

So, in short, it goes:
1) Senior debtholders
2) Junior debtholders
3) Preferred shareholders
4) Common shareholders

In this case, the Indiana bondholders are #1 on that list and should rightfully get all of their collateral back, not the greedy assholes at UAW just so they can go to the hospital when they have the sniffles and won't have to pay out of pocket (we can't let THAT happen)

I understand this isn't technically a bankruptcy for Chrysler, but there's still a good case to be made here concerning the secured debtholders getting the shaft in favor of the UAW (who is getting a bigger stake than the company PURCHASING Chrysler. Another example of why unions are greedy and antiquated)

This is just another example of big government taking hold of another piece of the American dream. It's another example of capitalism dying a slow and terrible death.

Socialism is coming, folks, and it's going to be ugly

Screaming for Clarity

So, you know that whole 'I'm trying to cut back on alcohol' thing? Hasn't been working the past two weeks. I fucking fail.

Anyway, it's become apparent that a girl I have been interested in has recently begun a relationship with someone (I think I might know who, but it remains to be seen). Now, I consider myself (and others consider me) and intelligent guy, but my IQ with women does not break the bank at all. I am just completely clueless when it comes to women and reading them.

Anyone else feel like I've had this post before in here? I think I have and I can't remember because I'm a bit hungover and don't feel like checking, so deal with it.

I do have a date with someone this weekend, so we'll see how that goes.

On to more pertinent things that I can remedy in a short term time frame:

I am going to begin looking for a new job soon. I want a job where I can 'climb the ladder' so to speak and have the opportunity to attain a management position somewhere. I can't do that where I currently am. It's going to be weird going fro a casual environment to one where I have to wear a suit every day.

The hard part comes in when I should tell my boss. I am thinking whichever comes first: getting a job offer or if I am asked for references.

That's it for now

Poetry in 3s, Part 4

Crimson Tide

Textured satisfaction bulging
Bitter scarlet-stained bodies
Souls indulged and laughing
faces emptied into body bags
Saturated from overflowing promise
and infinite potential

Crossing the Rubicon

Something in the way

Is keeping me down

The feelings inside me

Are overcome by this sensation

This sensation of esoteric being

It’s calling you to join it

But reluctance sets in

And you hesitate

And you can’t go back

Because you have passed

The point of no return

Damsel in Distress

Pretentious tendencies
fill your vacant mind
for subtle atrocities

I just want
what's best for you
as you turn me away

2+2=5

So, it's been a while since I've written in this thing. I don't know if that was by choice or by sheer laziness. Not much has changed since then. I'm still frustrated over women I like. I'm still frustrated over my purpose in life and I'm still frustrated over why Allison Janney is so damn sexy for her age.

Anyway, I think it's the whole mid-midlife crisis thing? I heard it called a quarter-life crisis, but I think that's a misnomer since that would mean my average life span is 100, but we're arguing over semantics. I just feel like I'm kinda alone in this whole thing. I mean, I have dudes and gals I hang with and shit, but for some reason it feels like it's not complete.

I'm much happier than I was about 4 years ago. I guess that's a start for this whole thing. Though, happiness here is kinda vague since I'm 'happier', but not 'happy'. I'm not as pissed off as I used to be because I found somewhere I can call home and a good group of friends, but, yet again, something is not complete.

I hope I can find what makes me complete.

Poetry in 3s, Part 3

Classified Information

Privileged conversation
leads to drunk ambivalence
All the while I contemplate
your ulterior motive
on why your actions
don't dictate your words

Closing Time
Intentional intentions
and cool spring nights
enlighten my thoughts about you
Meeting for the first time
and spending all I can
to make you think I care
when it's all for nothing


Constant Delay
Intentions thatched in nothing
Flowers end in sudden wonder
A moment's departure
becomes righteous spoilage
Truth whispered
desire shattered
thoughts remembered
Forever more